It Runs Downhill and Right onto ME

For anyone expecting a perky happy blog even after that lovely title..... sorry.

And realizing this blog is hooked to my email address which is commonly known makes me realize that I can't stay ANYTHING I planned on saying because everything will be on a trip to hell in a two sizes too small hand basket if people read it.

So what I hoped to be a cathartic experience just went BOOM. Refer back to the title, it sums it all up quite nicely.

For those of you who have read and replied to my previous posts, I thank you. For those who have read but not replied, I thank you but for now I think that it's best I just end this blog.

First Entry of the New Year.... Yeah, I'm late.

For those of you who actually read this blog, my apologies for taking so long to actually do an update. I've sort of had nothing to say. I think that I might now.

Let's see if I can recap things quickly.

• New Year came and went while I fell asleep watching CSI.
• I'm still at the same job, I'm still looking.
• Home is the same.

(YAWNS.... Boring right?)

What's changed you may be asking?

• I've booked my first REAL vacation ever. It involves a plane ride, a fun screening by the TSA and getting over my reluctance to fly. In May I'll be gone for one glorious week.
• I've decided that I need to get serious about my writing. I can't go on forever and ever with fanfiction (though I absolutely love it) and if I want to get published I need to start hustling as much material as possible. I've settled on romance and romantic thrillers though I will definitely be delving into the supernatural genre at some point because I love it so much.

So from here on out I'm going to use this blog to talk about my writing and share the random thoughts which pop into my head with whoever cares to listen. I hope that you all stick around but I understand if you don't. There's already so much stuff out there and a limited amount of time in the day.

I think that we forget how precious time really is until events happen to make us realizing that it's slipping through our fingers. There's nothing that we can do to get it back once it's gone either. I think about that often these days, what would I do if I could turn back the clock?

I know what I'd do different but that's the same as wishing for lost time back. I'd have gone to college after high school instead of screwing around at dead end jobs so I could have time to be out and party. I might have looked harder for a relationship so that I could be settled down but I'm not sure that would have worked or that it's really me. I know that if I could make changes to the past I wouldn't be where I am now. Dwelling on that won't get me anywhere.

So now I sit here wondering what's the next step? Do I start saving for online classes after my vacation saving? If so where do I direct my attention because I've got the attention span of an anxious mouse? I'll figure it out because now is the time to change what I've chosen and though I can't get back the time I can make the future a little brighter for me.

Thanks for the read, comments are always appreciated. Feel free to  be off topic. I like off topic and random.

Another year flying by....

In the blink of an eye the end of 2010 will be behind us. I find that during this stressful holiday time of the year sometimes the fact a new year is starting gets lost in the shuffle.

There's so much emphasis on the material aspect of the season that the real meaning of it gets lost. This is not the time for us to be rushing through crowded stores, piling up debt just to stack presents under a tree. This is the time for us to reflect on all of the blessings that we have (and often take for granted) all 365 days of the year.

This year my emphasis is going to be on the spirit of the holiday, not driven by the need to stack boxes high beneath the tree. Honestly it's more important to preserve the quality of life that we're living now. And we should all be grateful for those things because you've just got to watch the news to see that there are people much worse off then we are.

Each year I compile a series of resolutions and most fall to the side within the first week of the New Year but this time it's going to be different. I promise myself that I will learn how to stand up for myself, find  a job where I can use the full capacity of my mind, finally finish my novel and eat healthier and exercise more. I want to be a better version of me for the New Year. Let's hope that's actually possible.

I need to believe it is and to know that I can count on my friends and family to keep me on track but above everything else I really just want to feel happy. It's been too long since I felt that.

If I'm not on before Christmas/New Years, all of you please enjoy your family and friends. Be safe and happy. But take a moment to think about what you already have and mourn for the things that you don't have.

Working for the Weekend... and the paycheck

So few of us get to do what we really love and make a living from it. For those of you blessed with this gift, be grateful because for the rest of us work is more than a chore. It's an evil, albeit a necessary one.

I've had the good fortune to have only had two serious jobs since high school and at each I found myself coming to a point where the mere idea of getting up in the morning to go there exhausts me. Last night I had a nightmare that it was morning, my alarm went off and everything and I began to get dressed with that feeling of dread/disgust swirling my stomach around. Anyone want to wonder why Pepto is my best buddy these days.

This week has been full of eye opening moments when it comes to my professional life. The first is that I'm entirely replaceable as is every other employee and they're no longer afraid to let people know it. The second is that my work place is high school with a paycheck attached to it. Gossip has a life of its own and people lie as easily as they draw breath. No one is really a friend or even to be trusted.

As anyone who has searched for a job lately knows, they're not easy to come by. The news can blabber on and on about all the new positions but guess what? They're either quickly filled or carefully hidden where I'm from.

So, I keep the job that I have. Deal as best I can at it because that's who I am and dream of something better. Something different. Something that is not the work experience I have known in my life. My situation isn't going to change unless I change it so tonight I take a baby step towards that goal.

I aspire to be a writer. I don't think I mentioned it earlier but I've written stories for as long as I can remember. I have a book nearly complete and now I'm on the verge of leaving it on my hard drive to be plundered for the newer (and better) idea that popped into my head. I mention it here and now so that you dear friends can at any time pop up and ask about my progress. Maybe that will be enough to keep me motivated.

I guess that we'll soon see.

Entry One: Introduction.

I've contemplated starting this blog for a while and now here I am. You're probably asking yourself why you should read this and I wish I had a witty answer but right now I've got nothing. This will be the world through my eyes, a place where I can make observations on things that are on my mind and have an open and respectful dialogue with anyone who does decide to read this.

I encourage people to interact with my and the other readers (hopefully they will come). However, I will not tolerate disrespectful posts (aka flaming). We're all adults here, let's try to act like it.

Like many people my age (32) I find myself in a place where I never thought I'd end up. I had a grand plan for my life, a husband, maybe a family, a home of my own and a job that fulfilled not only my need for a paycheck but my soul. As of now, I'm batting a big fat zero but things could be worse.

There's no husband (or boyfriend) in the picture but strangely I've accepted it and dare I say I'm actually often content with it. I look around me and see people in relationships where they are truly miserable but sticking around just to be able to say that they're with someone. Been there. Done that. Didn't get the tee shirt and don't want the memories. I value myself more than that.

I've got no kids but then again I spent a good four years raising three children that weren't mine biologically only to have my heart broken when they returned to their parents. I had one pregnancy that turned out to be life threatening and had to be terminated or I wouldn't be here to type this blog right now. I'm starting to think that I only planned on having children because I believed that was what expected of me.

I can't complain too much about not having my own place in this economy. I'd never be able to afford anything as nice as where I live and rent now.

I guess the point of this is that no matter how well you think you've planned your life your journey can't be predicted and you've got to get the best out of what you have because if you can't find good in it, then you're just going to be miserable.